*sniffles*

Dear Mr. ga3ed-waray-bl-library,



Your sniffles case is driving me INSANE!!



For the love of God, eli feny kafeeny! Fee ekhtera3 esma tissue :@



Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kuwait

will he?

Has it really only been a month??

wow...

It feels like forever ago that I last blogged.

I missed it. Wayed.
I missed you guys. Wayed.

Sooooo much has happened in this past month. It doesnt feel like a month anymore, it feels like a lifetime ago.

First things first I guess....


rmthan?

The only thing I can say about it is that hathy 9ij 9ij awal mara afham feha shino ya3ny rmthan. So many meanings, so many feelings....so many things I've been missing out for SO long. It really is a shame that I've lost so many rmthans that I can never get back. Maby a6awel 3laikom, bs it was a spiritual experience that I really needed and a connection that changed me in so many ways. 9ij ena I couldnt switch off my phone, and I did sneak onto my laptop every now and then, bs I really did disconnect myself from the world...i didnt even go out of my house except for BARE necessities when I absolutely had to. I felt like I need to savor every moment of that month for better things that I dont get to do for the rest of the year.

It was a beautiful experience from the first su7oor till I walked out of the mosque from the last jyam with tears rolling down my face because the next time I'll be doing this will be in 11 months.

Because I'll miss it.....so much.


I promised God ena I'll try to change so many things in my life that I wasnt happy about. I promised to try and be a better person, to be more patient, to be more dedicated.

I promised to stop making the mistakes that I'm making. I promised to make Him proud of me.

And even though I knew I was never gonna reach that phase, I knew he was gonna give me credit for trying. And, lets face it, trying was the least I could do.

The month was going great, until the very last day.
Until I ruined it all.
Until I did something I'm really not proud of, and wont even talk about.


Will He forgive me?

Madry...
I hope so...i pray for his forgiveness oo kily nadam ena kil elli sawaita eb hal shahar just disappeared into thin air because of that last slip.

Bas more than anything, I'm ashamed of Him...I'm ashamed ena ba3ad ma he taught me what rmthan was, oo ba3ad ma r7amny oo tab 3ly oo He gave me the pleasure of connecting with Him, ana aro7 oo aghalu6 chithy...

Wallah eni mo kafo...


Will He forgive me?

Madry...
I hope so, bs it made me realize shay wayed muhem...ena ela3mal blkhawatem

oo ana khatemty kilish mo shay...


Will I slip again and not do the things I promised him I'll do? Will I be too weak to follow through with my promises?

Madry


Will He forgive me?

Ed3oly ena He does...


Allahoma eni as2aloka 7usn alkhatema wl firdos al a3la


ps: sam7oony because I didnt reply to your comments on the last few posts, bs wallah I did read every single one of them and each of them made a difference in its own little way...so thank you for that ;**

pps: a very very very special thank you to all the anonymouses who commented on my previous post...wallah you have no idea how much it meant to me

ppps: standy, fourme, cashew, zon, candy, deze, a journal entry, DR, danderma, jooj and vixen ;**...and everyone else...I missed you guys....wayed ;**

pppps: I missed anony oo zawe WAAAAAAAAAYEEEEEEEEED!! oo I wish the twins a happy (and very belated) birthday ;**

ppppps: the chinese porno website thats spamming my comments (in chinese) needs to stop =@

pppppps: I think elwireless 3la my laptop ga3d yekhtereb =\ i've been trying to post this since wednesday, oo my laptop mo rathy yashbuk...akher shay I had to take it on a flash and post it from my desktop =(

ppppppps: these ps's kan momken yatrson post ebro7hom ;Pp

a new ramadan

Awal shay, mbarak 3laikom elshahar oo inshallah yen3ad 3alena oo 3laikom b2alf 5air =)

This essentially is the main reason this post was written, but I dont know how these two lines ended up being 5 pages worth of words. A9lan you're the only people eli 3ayadt 3laihom, even though its my habit eni adez 7g all my contacts oo a3ayed 3laihom, bs halsena madry shfeeny. I didnt even call back the people who called me, wla raddait 3la eli dazoly. Madry shfeeny.

The next part of this post you dont really have to read. Its more of me spilling my guts out. Maybe it wont make sense to you, maybe in the end you'll realize it was long and boring and o total waste of time...or maybe in the end, you'll end up in tears like I did once I got to the bottom of it.

You have been warned...halpost ythayeg el5elg hehe


***************


I never liked rmthan.

Never.

Kil sena lma etyee 7azzat rmthan, I never understood why people would get so excited. I mean, I know I'm not a relegious person, but I didnt understand why people needed a special month to worship God. God is all the time...everywhere. Laish elnas tan6r rmthan bethat 3shan ya3bdoon rabbhom?

Athker kil ma ygareb rmthan, my mom would get so excited and I would be indifferent, hatha etha ma gelt “Yala lets get it over with already”.

“Estaghferay rabbich” my mom would scold me. I would just look at her and walk away, rolling my eyes. “Allah yahdeech ya binty” she would say as I walked away.

I just never understood it. God is there all the time, laish elnas yeshta6oon only 7azzat rmthan? Wainhom bajy elsena? Laish yegron 8ur2an only in rmthan oo yensona all year? Laish y9alon elfajr only brmthan oo yensonha bajy elsena? Laish ma ysawoon shay ghala6 brmthan oo thnob 3alba7ary bajy elsena?

Laish elnas tan6r rmthan 3shan ya3bdon rabbhom?

I mean, I know i'm nowhere near a relegious person, but I didnt (and still dont) understand why people needed a special month to worship God.


Halsena, without a notice and out of the blue, ana kint mshta6a that rmthan is coming. I was excited ena by9adef my summer vacation, fa mara7 t8ayedny derasa wla dawam. I was excited about reading 8ur2an. I was excited about going to tarawee7 oo jyam.

I even went out and bought a 3abaya, and if you knew me, you'd know thats something HUGE for me hehe

Come to think about it, I was excited about being excited about rmthan.

All this time, I knew it was weird that I was excited about rmthan. It was very unlike me, especially ena nothing 'special' happened per se to trigger this. Bs 3la golat omy “Ymkn Allah ga3d yahdeech”


And I thought that was true too, until the days passed and here we are...rmthan bacher, and you know what?

The timing couldnt have been better...


I firmly believe ena kil shay y9er lah 7ekma, oo ena even if I dont see it now, or ever for that matter, rabby y3aref shino hal7ekma. And sure enough, I found out ana laish kint mshta6a abt rmthan only now, eli ohwa quite a few months later.

I need God.

I've never felt like I've needed God so much. I've been through a lot for the past few years of my life, bas wallah, I've never felt like I needed God so much.

Oo again, its not ena 9ayer shay...i just feel a very heavy weight on my shoulders, and I dont know what it is. A7es eni maghmoota all the time, 9akka feeny eldenya all the time. Wallah mn kithr ma a7es thegl 3la 9adry, I cant even breathe right. I feel lonely, no matter how many people I surround myself with. Nfasy thayeg, 5elgy thayeg. Oo may9eer shay ela oo I end up crying. Oo again, 9adgoony I'm kilish not the crying type.

Madry shlon ashra7lkom elghamta eli b9adry, bs wallah e7sas ma atmanah 7ata to my worst enemies. To just feel like the world is closing in on you, to feel like you have no way out.

T3abt.

Oo legait ena the only thing that makes me feel better was when I prayed to God. When I cried to God. When I begged God. When I felt helpless infront of God.

When I felt that God, and only God, is my sanctuary. That no one else will be here for me. La friends wla family wla ghaira.

I need Him. A7es loo a6ale3 kil eli bgalby, if I just sit and talk to God, I'll feel better. If I sit and cry to God and pour everything out, he'll help me through this. I need God by my side. Oo I know no one else would be willing to that for me ghaira. God is the only One who would be willing to give me his time. The only One who wouldnt turn me down. The only One to pick me up when I fall, to lend me and ear when I need to talk, to be my shoulder to cry on,

But most importantly, God is the only One who will always welcome me with arms wide open, no matter how many times I mess up, no matter how many times aga9er eb 7aga, and no matter how many times I forget him oo alha bdinyity...

Oo whenever I want ba3ad...according to my timings...whenever I feel like I want to go back to him. God doesnt force me, wla yez3al 3ly, wla ygol sh3ogba wla its too late...

God is always there, waiting for me. No matter what I do. No matter where I go. No matter how long I've been gone.

Isnt God amazing?
Isnt God ghafoor oo ra7eem?

All I want to do this month is hear God talk to me when I read el8ur2an oo astash3er 3athamat almuta7adeth. Aby 3yoony eli tabchy mn theegat 5elgy tabchy 5usho3an lah, oo 5awfan menh, oo more than anything, abeeha tabchy 5ajalan menh. Because I've done nothing to deserve all this kindness and mercy, oo maly 3ain a6lubhom a9lan.

But I still do. And I know God wont let me down.

ربي اغفر لي فانه لا يغفر الذنوب الا انت

Aby ebhalshahar inshallah b2ethn Allah a9om...mo bas 3an el2akl wlshurb, bs 3an kilshay. Aby ag3ad eb dary maby ashof a7ad wla a7ad yshofny. 7ata my family eli eb baitny maby ajabelhom. Aby a9ek my phone oo ma aba6el my laptop. I want to disconnect myself from the whole world and reconnect m3 rabby. Aby aro7 eltarawee7 wljyam. Aby a5tem el8ur2an, mo l2any ba5tema, bs l2any aby asma3 rabby y7acheeny. Oo ana aby a7acheeh. Aby ad3eela, oo aby abcheela.

Aby astaslemla.

Hatha eli ana naywa 3aleh, oo inshallah Allah y3eeny oo asaweeh oo akalma lai 3ugub rmthan and for the rest of my life inshallah.

Ymkn my post doesnt make sense to anyone, ymkn it doesnt make sense to me if I reread it, but I havent been having the best time lately oo I needed to let all this out somewhere. And, as always, my blog never lets my down...its only a click away.

Before I leave, aby a6lub menkom 6alabain. Abeekom tad3oonly rabby yhawen 3ly, oo ena yashfeely my very sick grandmother.

I really dont know if you'll hear from me again this month, but if you dont, then I wish you all a great month. May it be filled with forgiveness for all of us.

Oo finally, I leave you all with one of my favorite ad3eya...du3a2 y5aleeny abchy kil ma agoola, du3a2 yhez kayany killa...and its the only thing thats been helping me through these past few days

يا ودود يا ودود يا ودود، ياذا العرش المجيد، يا مبدئ يا معيد، يا فعالاً لما يريد، أسألك بنور وجهك الذي ملأ أركان عرشك ان تصلي على نبينا وحبيبنا وحبيبك سيدنا محمد عليه الصلاة والسلام ، وأسألك بقدرتك التي قدرت بها على جميع خلقك ان تغفر لي، وأسألك برحمتك التي وسعت كل شيء ان ترحمني، لا إله إلا أنت، يا مغيث أغثني، يا مغيث أغثني، يا مغيث أغثني.،

ps: aby ashtery mu97af 7agy agra mena cz malot baitna wayed kbar oo swalef tafseer oo tajweed oo chithee...does anybody know where I can get one from?

floating ;*

Although I was never a believer of love, I was always a believer of romance. I always thought that the most romantic thing a man can tell a woman is how he sees his future with her. How he sees her as his one and his only one. How he sees himself getting married to her. How he sees himself waking up next to her everyday for the rest of his life. How he sees her as the mother of his children. How he sees himself growing old with her.

And I never understood why I thought that was romantic. Because, to me, marriage wasnt about love and and and...it was simply sunnat el7aya...something that happened sooner or later. Fa it didnt make sense to me why I thought the inevitable (per se) was romantic, fahmen 8a9dy?

I never understood why my heart would flutter when I watch a romantic movie and see a guy proposing, even though I didnt believe in love.

(Yea I know I dont make sense, bs 6af ;Pp)

Until elyom, while I was aimlessly flipping through the TV, o 6e7t 3la this lame movie, but the context of the conversation in the scene just blew me away. It was something I had to share.


“Why do we get married?”

“Passion”

“No. We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."


Floating is an amazing feeling =)

UPDATE

What do you think about romance? What are your favorite romantic gestures and why?

A tribute to my role model

A tribute to a doctor
To an educator
To a teacher

A tribute to a psychologist
To a philosopher
To a thinker

A tribute to a great man
To an interesting mind
To an intruiging sense of humor


A tribute to Dr. Ja3far Behbehani


My only regret is that I never told you how grateful I am,

For every piece of information you delivered,
For making every moment in class enjoyable,
For every little piece of advice you shared,
For treating us like your children before your students,

For being my role model.


You shall be missed tremendously.

Allah yr7mk oo yghamed ro7k eljanna inshallah.


ps: everytime I stand in the lobby from now on, ra7 athker kalamk lma kint tgoly "Stop loitering in the lobby and go read a book in the library"


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kuwait