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قُلتُ لكَ أحبُكَ كثيراً ..
أكثر من ألف ألف مرة ..

قُلتها لكَ في كُل حالاتيّ و أمزجتيّ ..
هامسة / باكية / صارخة / خائفة !

و لم أتصور يوماً أن تسبق كلمة ( أحبُكَ ) كلمة ..
خاصة لو كانت تلك الكلمة هي ( كُنتُ ) ..

نعم ،،فـ أنا ..

( كُنتُ أحبُكَ )...

لـ آيات محمود

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"Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. 

Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. 

Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... 

Anything can happen, child. Anything can be. "

Shel Silverstein

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1 spills

start living!

"Start living now. 
Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. 
Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. 
Every day you are alive is a special occasion. 
Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God."  

-Mary Manin Morrissey

I wish you all a blessed 3eed :)

Sent from my iPad

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في ضوء القمر...

عندما أكون وحدي في ضوء القمر
يفيض الفؤاد بسرٍ أخفاه عن أعين البشر
أتراه شعاعه يأتي على ما يخفيه؟؟
ويكشف المستتر....
أهو المطر...؟
يهل على صحراء قلبي التي أصبحت 
من طول فراقك هشهً جبالها تنكسر؟؟

عندما أكون وحدي في ضوء القمر

ألا ليت صوتي تسمعه 
في خرير الماء أو في حفيف الشجر؟؟
ألا ليت دمعي ترمقه 
في البرق أو بين زخات المطر؟؟
ألا ليت حبي تشعره
في شعاع الشمس أو في إهتزاز الوتر؟؟

عندما أكون وحدي في ضوء القمر

أهديك قلبي برضا فكن به رفيقاً
ولا تكن عليه ناراً وشرر
أنظر لي بنظرةٍ تحتوي حناناً
أعطيك من الحب سيلاً على مدى النظر
حبك بحرٌهائجٌ تحمله جوانحي
تفيض به ويجري كالنهر

عندما أكون وحدي في ضوء القمر

"ل... "منى محمد

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"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady,hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted- an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore- despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddam it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have that thing one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you're someone he's never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

So thats it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self".

-Elizabeth Gilbert

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3 spills

i missed you

"I missed you" 

That was it. 

Three words. 

Three words was all it took. 

And just like that, her whole world came crashing down.

The whole fort that she had been building for years fell apart along its circumference; the building bricks that she made from the shattered pieces of her heart tumbled piece by piece onto the floor. The hard cement that she made by mixing her pride and tears together was liquefied in an instant, flowing undermeath her feet like a river. Even the sturdy pillars that she built out of pain -aching constant pain that was still there after all this time....even those she watched collapse right before her eyes. 

Her whole world came crashing down. 

And in less than a split second, her pride was being washed away with tears of joy  - the same tears of joy that were washing away her pain. In less than a split second, an overwhelming sense of relief that she hasnt felt for years, made it way to the broken pieces of her heart, trying to glue them back together. 

But it wasnt that simple. The damage was too extensive this time. 

Far beyond repair. 

The pieces were too small. The tears were too big. 

The damage was too extensive. 

"7abeebty?" he asked worried. She was quiet, almost in a state of trance as far as he was concerned. He saw that in her eyes, she had gone to a world miles and miles away. But he had been gone too long now to know her well enough and know what she was thinking. 

Seeing that his voice didnt grasp her attention, he reached for her hand. 

His skin touching her sent an electric sensation that she had been longing for. Suddenly, his warmth was radiating through her skin, feeding her heart, her mind and her soul..the same soul she would have happily sold the remains of to the devil, if it would have eased the pain she went through after what he had done to it. 

And through the rush of memories that his touch brought back, through the days in the garden and nights on the beach, through sneaked kisses and hushed phonecalls, through the life that they planned together, the only thing that was vividly imprinted in her mind was, not how it never happened, but why it never happened. 

And that memory was still as fresh and as painful as the day it happened. Infact, it was so painful that his touch now felt like a broken piece of glass piercing through her palm. She looked down at her palm that was now bleeding pain, and looked back deep into his eyes...into his soul. 

She saw genuine sorrow. She saw deep regret. She saw promises of how he will rectify things. 

But shining the most brightly of all these things, she saw longing and yearning...and lots of love. An amount that she had never seen before...so much so that it was pouring out of his eyes. 

And that drew a smile on her face, as she squeezed his hand. Her smile sent an overwhelming amount of joy to his heart, which reflected as beams of hope and dreams and promises on his face. 

But only for mere seconds. 

After she squeezed his hand, she softly put it down on the table between them.

Then, she watched his puzzled face as she let go of his hand and, still smiling, got up.....and walked away. 

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3eedkom mbarak!

Kil3am wentaw bkhair ya 7ilween! ;***
3asah yin3ad 3laikom bl9e7a wl3afya yaaa rab ;***

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mbarak 3laikom elshahar

mbarak 3laikom elshahar ya 7ilween ;** oo 3asah yin3ad 3laikom bl9e7a wl 3afya inshallah ;**

this is my first ramadan as a doctor....and im enjoying every unemployed moment of it :D

~to yummy fu6oors xxx

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the doctor has left the building

ده مفيش فرحان في الدنيا زي الفرحان بنجااااحه

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2 spills

here goes...

بسم الله توكلت على الله ولا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله
اللهم إني أعوذ بك أن أضل أو أُضَلّ، أو أزل أو أُزَلّ، أو أظلم أو أُظْلَم، أو أجهل أو يُجْهَل علي

اللهم اجعل ألسنتنا عامرة بذكرك، وقلوبنا بخشيتك، انك على كل شيء قديروحسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل

اللهم اني استودعك ما قرأت وما حفظت وما تعلمت، فرده لي عند حاجتي إليه انك على كل شيء قدير، وحسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل

اللهم اني توكلت عليك، وسلمت امري إليك، لا ملجأ ولا منجي منك الا إليك

ربّ ادخلني مدخل صدق وأخرجني مخرج صدق واجعل لي من لدنك سلطاناً نصيراً

ربّ اشرح لي صدري، ويسّر لي امري، واحلل عقدة من لساني يفقه قولي، باسم الله الفتاح، اللهم لا سهل الا ما جعلته سهلا، فإنك ان شئت تجعل الصعب سهلا يا أرحم الراحمين

لا اله الا انت سبحانك اني كنت من الظالمين، يا حي يا قيوم برحمتك استغيث، ربّ اني مسني الضر وانت ارحم الراحمين

اللهم يا جامع الناس ليوم لا ريب فيه اجمعني بضالتي

الحمدلله الذي هدانا لهذا وما كنا لنهتدي لولا ان هدانا الله

بسم الله توكلت على الله ولا حول ولا قوة الا بالله

اللهم بإسمك بدأت وعليك توكلت فسهل هذا علي يا ارحم الراحمين

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5 spills

my favorite FourMe

A year ago today on her 29th birthday, FourMe was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma.

And because she is the fighter that she is, she battled this ugly war against cancer. This girly girl made it through highs and lows most of us would only have nightmares about, coping through chemo, biopsies, PET scans, steroids, pain meds and many many many tears, showing us the true meaning of the word 'fighter'

12 chemo sessions (and alot of pain) later, today FourMe celebrates her 30th birthday as a warrior, fighter and most importantly, as a cancer survivor.

In the battle of FourMe against cancer...in a battle solely about the survival of the fittest, FourMe won!!

So to one of the sweetest and strongest people i have ever had the pleasure of knowing and meeting, i wish you a great day and many many more cancer-free years to come :)

Sent from my iPhone

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Amongst the many many random conversation that happen during the OT between me and my partners (in crime ;p), somehow we ended up discussing this song.

Do you remember this???

I couldn’t even wait till i even got home that day. I connected to youtube, and had the song blasting off my car for the next 3 days 6 days till now ;p

And from there, one related video took me to the next

And the next

And the next

And the next

And the next

and the next

The next thing i knew, i spent the weekend all curled up infront of the TV with the VCR (ee imagine! shakhbary ;p), spending hours and hours recollecting my childhood memories one Disney movie at a time...

I guess this comment just summed up how i felt :(

Whatever happened to fairytales?

Apparently, Disney has stopped making fairytale movies until further notice after Tangled and The princess and the Frog. They found that most of the people who went to see those were people in their 20s (ie me ;p) and not kids like before. They found that kids are now more interested in Hannah Montana and you know...other lame characters whose names i don’t know (twin kids of hotel, brunette who is a witch, fat dude living in the white house). Kids now are more interested in being cool and sexy and what not, rather than fairytales...our kids now are too óld’ for fairytales (unlike us who are still looking for our prince charming because we grew up believing this crap lol)

But you know, that doesn’t bother me as much as does the fact ena there’s no more innocence in Disney movies. It’s always about getting the girl oo having a girlfriend oo they’re all kissing here and there chenna el3eed. This never happened before in Disney movies, and if it did, it was always KNOWN ena hatha shay ghala6 oo mo 6abe3y like now. Remember? Dayman the kiss we saw in Disney movies was in the last scene where they get married and live happily ever after.And always the guy would aim to make the girl his wife, not his girlfriend.

It scares me to know the kind of values and standards kids nowadays are growing up to.

But, until then, ill go back to living in my fairytale land :)

And my personal favourite

and one last one...for the little kids inside of us who still believe in magic :)


~ to nostalgia and fairytales...

ps: writing this post took a good 4 hours out of my life...it was so difficult deciding what to include and what not to ;p

pps: i'm smiling and clapping like an idiot as i watch each video before adding it...its 2am lol

ppps: i'm going to bed very happy tonight :)

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I complain about way too many things.

Too much studying drains me, and too little makes me feel empty. Too much hospital work exhausts me, and too little bores me. My group, my family, my bros, the traffic, too little holidays, too much holidays....
Even the weather...its too hot its too cold...its like nothing ever pleases me.

While i admit thats its only healthy to whine about some things, i've also noticed that this pessimistic sort of approach to things is draining...to say the least. All its been doing to me is simply adding on to my negative energy and to my already stressful life.

So, the other day, while i was having a conversation with someone i havent heard from in a while, and he asked me how i've been, i found myself answering with no hesitation "i've been good el7amdellah. Uni is good. Family is good. Everything is okay, i guess", and after i paused for a few seconds to contemplate what i've just said, "i'm happy" i added.

And while i was met with silence on the other end, i continued " el7amdella theres nothing more i can ask for. I dont think life can get any better than this".

I think just taking that moment out of my life to just contemplate that thought has made me realize that everything else just seems so petty and tiny and just...irrelevant...when you think of the big picture.

And by the big picture i mean people who dont have a country to call home, fathers who would kill to feed their starving children, people who are sick and in constant pain...and more or less the lack of the sense of security and the hopelessness that comes with or without it.

Security is a very precious gift.
As is hope.
And i think as long as i have those two, i will be able to sleep at night. I will remain happy :)

"3asa doum" my long-lost friend on the phone said. I asked him "Are you happy?". He sighed and mumbled a few what-ifs amd maybes. Never gave me a straight answer.

Since then, i've been asking alot of people this question...and the variety of replies i've been getting has been adding alot of perspective to things.

So i ask you to take a moment and think about it yourself.

Are you happy with your life?

~ to happiness

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I have two doors ahead of me right now.
Going into a field that i highly dislike, but that is very comfortable, and very profitable with minimal effort. This will give me a chance to do other things that ive always wanted to do (outside the medical field).
Or doing something i absolutely LOVE and am very passionate about, but that will essentially bury me alive with work and effort until im atleast 45. Effectively, wasting the best years of my life, and diminishing the already very slim chances of ever starting a family to zero.
How do you make a decision like that?

Sent from my iPhone

1 spills

closure - take 2

~special dedication to dina...and to all women who have learnt how to run ;**

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old wounds

They say time heals everything.
And I agree.
The problem is that people just like to rip apart old wounds that time has healed.
And it's always harder to heal the second time around.
"The old you would know what I mean"

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5 spills


A rainy day

A new hospital

A crappy movie

A not-so-great start

But definetly a night to remember ;)

HAPPY 23!!

I wish myself graduation this year!

(though running into him here or there won't be too bad either ;) *crosses her fingers*)

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kuwait

4 spills


Road Traffic Accident.

Unstable patient in shock.
Barely existent pulse.
Bleeding from every orifice.
Multiple fractures.

Order blood.
Order ABG.
Order CBC.


He will need a bed bl ICU. Zahbaw bed bl ICU.

He's hypotensive.
He's tachycardic.
He's bradycardic.

Are we losing him?

Wetha we lose him?
Wetha we don't?

We're not losing him.

But what about the guy we lost last oncall? And the guy who developed a permenant disability from the oncall before it? And the woman who lost a limb from the oncall before it? And the child with head injury from the oncall before it?

If you think 2010 treated you badly (like I did), think about their 2010.

"Ah, make the most of what we yet may spend,
Before we too into the Dust descend;
Dust into Dust, and under Dust to lie
Sans Wine, sans Song, sans Singer, and - sans End!"

~ blogging from the resuscitation room, wishing you all a 2011 full of health and happiness :)

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone from Zain Kuwait